JOKES & STORIES FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT
A SELECTION OF JOKES & FUNNIES
These
comes from a Catholic
elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.
They have not been retouched or corrected(i.e.incorrect spelling has been left in.) Enjoy!
In
the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam
and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
The
Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
Lot's
wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they
had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson
was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where
they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
THE
FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
The
Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses
died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The
greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
David
was a hebrew king skilled at
playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon,
one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When
Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When
the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager.
Jesus
was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Jesus
enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one
to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live
by sweat alone."
It
was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
The
people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the
wives of the apostles.
One
of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St.
Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name
for marriage.
Christians
have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by
teachers from 8th grade through college (how scary)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by
mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have
to live elsewhere.
The Greeks were a highly
sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written
by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek
teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
In the Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered
the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak
and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
same offense.
In midevil
times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell,
who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed
herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions
and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic
pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as
Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America
began. Christopher Columbus was a great N Navigator who discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the
ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard
one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the
Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists
would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13
states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A
horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's
greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the
enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when
the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many
musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750
to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very
large.
Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in
the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827
and later died for this.
The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't
have any children.
The sun never set on the British
Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a
time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by
hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused
a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms collected
by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas Magazine.
"I started to slow down but
the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a
lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire
so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on
the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked
her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
Q: Do you engage in
motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran
into the rear of second car."
"Windscreen
broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
"The car in
front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from
the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention."
"I collided with a
stationary truck coming the other way"
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
"A pedestrian hit me
and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping
for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge
sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"To avoid hitting the
bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came
out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows."
FACTS FROM THE 1500'S. Think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the
1500s
Most people got married in June
because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by
June. however, they were starting to smell, so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub
filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean
water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children--last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it--hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out
with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs--thick
straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice rats, and bugs)lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying
"It's raining cats and dogs. "
There was nothing to stop things
from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed
with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's
how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the
wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."t
The wealthy had slate floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor
to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh
until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entry way--hence, a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen with
a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Everyday
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and
did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in
the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the
stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while--hence the rhyme,
"peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork,
which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up
their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring
home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made
of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto
the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with
tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Most people did not have pewter
plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a
bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale paysan
bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood
and old bread. After eating off wormy moldy trenchers, one would get
"trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to
status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale
or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of
days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them
for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would
wake up, hence the custom of holding "wake."
England is old and small and they started out running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one
out of twenty-five coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would
tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the
graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the belll. Thus, someone could be "saved by the bell"
or was considered a "dead ringer".
How stupid
some people really are.
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling
in Australia?".
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal
requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?".
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish
Bar in Cardiff, please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed
Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who
asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?".
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland".
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA
please".
Operator: "Where are you calling from?".
Caller: "The living room".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see
a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
Tech Support: "OK. In the
bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?".
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
British Rail
Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".
Customer: "I've been ringing
0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
The Bank
Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please".
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".
Caller: "Three years, please".
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is that OK?".
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"
These three blokes are sitting in a room smoking pot. After a few
joints they run out of cannabis, so one of the blokes stands up and says,"Look, we've got loads of tobacco - I'll just nip
into the kitchen and make one of my speciality sp|iffs." So he goes into the kitchen, grabs some
cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices, grinds them up and then rolls
them into a sp|iff. Then he goes back into the other
room and hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long
drag. Within seconds he passes out. After ten minutes he's still out cold, so
they decide to take him to hospital. When they get there, he's wheeled away
into Intensive Care. A few minutes later the doctor returns and asks,
"So what was he doing then? Cannabis?"
"Well, sort of," replies one of the blokes. "But we ran out of
gear, so I made a homemade sp|iff."
"Oh," says the doctor. "What did you put in it?"
"Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices."
The doctor sighs. "Well, that explains it."
"Why, what's wrong with him?" asks the bloke.
"He's in a korma."
QUOTES FROM PROPERTY
MANAGEMENT FORMS:-
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
.. it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.